The Guns of Holy War
by The Archaic Minister
Summary: A terrorist group bent on advancing biological warfare has developed an illness capable of destroying entire populations of innocent people. It's all up to none other than Shadow to stop them and destroy their demonic ringleader.


**This is my contest entry for cornwallace's Christmas writing contest, and it is by far the best thing I've ever written (ever). **

**This is because, as luck would have it, Jesus himself came over to my house, beat me senseless for the whitey and Jew that I was, and preached unto me an edict commanding that he be allowed to co-write this with me, which isn't cheating, trust me.**

**Jesus doesn't cheat. Jesus is never wrong. Jesus can blow your fucking head off seven-hundred-seventy-seven times in a row with his solid gold diamond-shard-firing shotgun, even if you're THE POPE (PIRATE)((LOLWUT)), and he'll always be doing the right thing, because he's Jesus, sinless and almighty, and is both God's son and God Himself. How? **

**Shut the fuck up! He's **_**Jesus**_**, retards. He can be anyone he wants, including himself **_**and**_** someone else at the same time, because he's that badass; more badass than you ever were or ever hope to be, more badass than Chuck Norris or Captain Falcon. Fuck, he even makes Hitler look like a pussy. And he died for your sins. Don't forget that, heathen.**

**-**

**So, in conclusion, if you hate this, you not only hate me (which you actually have every right to, since, being a Jew, I steal all your money through fraudulent insurance contracts and control the media, while, at the same time, as a white person, I am also responsible for everything bad that has ever happened on this planet, past, present, and future) you hate Jesus! Don't you dare go around hating Jesus, or you'll go straight to hell. And let me tell you, stan-packies, hell's a one-way ticket with no return trip, and no chance for refund. So there.**

**So quoth the above statement by biblical prophet Saint Sir Cornwallace McThathle III in Revelations Book IV under direct instruction from both the Father and the Son. May the Lord bless his soul for forever saving us from our own sin.**

**-**

**-**

**Brought to you by God's balls. Spewing forth the wonderful and joyous seeds of creation into all of us, and into this.**

**-**

**-**

So, Shadow walks up in the session with his dick in his hand.

Fat sweet in his mouth. A 24-oz. can.

-

This is more or less literally the case; but just what _isn't_ the case is what he's here for. No, no, yesno.

Noyes. Noes. Nose deathy. Nose death. Nose. **No**. There! Finally killed the yes.

Oh, fuck, and look, now it's back.

Whatever.

The answer is no, furfags. This gun's not here for _**justice**_, rather, it's here for something much grander, yet much less sinful.

But before we find out, where is "here"?

Somewhere.

-

Let's jump the gun a bit. Description is for fags, Jesus tells me as I type this. That's right, he's looking over my shoulder right now, beating me whenever I make a typo. But you know, he's also looking over your shoulder right now too, because he is everywhere, and thus everything.

He's watching you fapping to Pornish Pixies.

He's watching you hit an emaciated stray dog with the door of a moving car before shooting it in the ass a couple of times with your AK-47.

Now, obviously, it's because his badassity is seven-trillion-quadrillion-infinity-marzillion times greater than all of the other, lesser badasses who have ever lived and ever will live _put together_. That includes you, Chuck. Sorry.

-

-

So anyways, "here" happens to be a domain called SonicTheHedgehogFiction, situated somewhere within Sweden, the home of the domain's lord, master, and eternal emporer, the King of All Niggers.

Shadow isn't in search of hoes today, for once. He's a man; a man with a mission.

-

With his trusty 36-incher in hand to help him get the job done, he has been sent on a holy mission to rid S.T.H.F. of the despicable authors that spread AIDS across the city, doing so by means of writing disturbing, blasphemous, unoriginal, and otherwise un-Christian "fiction".

There are at least a handful of these evil, subhuman creatures, but nearly all of them are just the grunts and minions subordinate to the ringleader behind it all, the source of this vile pandemic known as AIDS.

-

Reception of this rumor of an organization spreading AIDS across the city is actually rather mixed. The pawns of the city, of which fill up an overwhelming majority of the population (approximately 93 percent) are but innocent, naïve victims and zombies to its purported influence over their very lives.

The remaining 7 percent, the badasses of S.T.H.F., have been taking sides and stances regarding the rumor, for they are the ones intelligent enough to keep it from directly affecting them.

-

One side posits that the rumor is just that – a rumor, the result of paranoia, and nothing to worry about. A second side knows that the rumors of this shadowy syndicate are in fact true, and have devoted themselves to finding some way to stop it from spreading the AIDS any further.

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The third side consists of those who secretly have ties with that very organization, supporting its actions and even going so far as to infect themselves with the virus using an uncleaned pencil (writer's equivalent of a medical needle, for some reason, I don't know, so shut up) and then proceeding to anally rape juvenile hedgehogs and foxies while the unsuspecting victims are asleep to avoid being exposed.

Yep, even some of the badass writers are really sick fucks, sadly.

-

So, once again, Shadow walks up in the session with his dick in his hand.

Fat sweet in his mouth. A 72 oz. can.

Our hero primes himself up for the kill by taking some drugs that cause forced erections. He knows his ultimate target is nearby, which is why he's now prepared.

That's why it's now a 72 oz. can, fuckers.

-

Peering over the top of a rusty old fence capable of giving any little shit a severe case of tetanus, Shadow spies on his target, the AIDS ringleader, and narrows his eyes like some badass cowboy about to draw his gun in a Western movie.

He is the lion, his prey the antelope. But he must have stealth on his side, or the antelope, swift to flee as it is, will escape his tendrils.

-

He learned of this evil demon's current location from one of the good guys and easily one of the most badass of the badasses, Maverick87. Maverick had at one point held very close ties with this ringleader, but had since been expelled from the organization for refusing to write work shitty enough that AIDS could spawn from its pages and sporadically spread from author to author to anally-raped gay hedgehog, and because he spent too much time playing with his beanie babies. Either way, Maverick just thinks the guy's an annoying bastard with no life.

-

The ringleader's current whereabouts were revealed to be a formerly public, now since abandoned, chlorine-filled swimming pool located within the city ghetto (actually, the entire city is a ghetto).

-

And lo, for the ringleader is now sticking his filthy cock into the water and ejaculating an untold amount of AIDS ever so vile all outward!

-

-

Our hero lowers himself from his viewing position, and nods once before giving a hand gesture to a group of trash cans down the street.

The lids of the garbage disposal containers lift themselves up, revealing three figures, all wearing military helmets that have little bushes on top for some reason. Printed on the back of the military vest of one of the figures is a picture of the messiah himself with a rifle shooting a bunch of white men dead and the words "Jesus Saves!" in bold print.

-

This southeast Asian communist is known as Dennis, and he's here to make sure the AIDS, an American invention, never reaches the Nam to infect its peoples. Too late, it already has/ HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS/ so bad writing skills and demonic intent must never reach the Nam.

Shadow's other two peeps are also Asian communists, but they don't need any coverage, because description is for fags. Ask Jesus right here.

See? He agrees with me. Fuck off.

-

The Viet Coms turn and nod to one another before sluggishly waddling, still within the garbage cans for some reason, into the street to cross to the pool where the ringleader is even now implementing his master plan to infect everyone in S.T.H.F. with AIDS, most often via anal sex.

As Dennis and unnamed communist number 2 manage to finish crossing the tarry, cracked, cigarette-butt-ridden street, unnamed communist number 1 tumbles over in the middle of the road, and his trash can rolls to the side a bit in a curved arc while he is still trapped in it.

Just as he's about to reset his trash can and continue waddling in it, not smart enough to realize he could just ditch the thing and walk on foot the rest of the way, a beaten red corvette traveling at two hundred fucking miles per hour comes careening down the street towards him. Phat music cranked up to the max plays all around.

-

BOOM BOOM CHAK-CHAKA

"åïØŒchï◊!!" Dennis shouts out in warning to his comrade.

But he's too late.

BOOM BOOM CHAK-CHAKA

-

Unnamed communist number 1's life is brought to a soaring end as, with a bang and the sound of clattering metal, the speeding corvette sends the garbage can with number 1 in it flying straight into a brick building.

As 1's head meets an old street light on the way over, he is brutally decapitated, and his head is sent bouncing back into the speeding corvette, spattering blood everywhere.

BOOM BOOM CHAK-CHAKA

The chocolate owner of the corvette and ghetto nigga supreme, Dr. Dump, swerves the vehicle to a halt to avoid colliding with the same building, and stands up, carrying the communist's head while shouting to the heavens, "TRIPLE K 4 LIFE!!!" knowing he'd downright pwned the fucker.

He then continues on his way down the dirty streets of the ghetto in his gas-guzzler at breakneck speed before Shadow or his comrades even have a chance to say anything.

-

But even then, what chance could they possibly stand against the nigga who's second in hardness only to Wingless Rain?

-

-

Dennis begins crying like a bitch over the death of his comrade, but is quickly silenced when Shadow whoops him with his erected 36-inch cock, knocking a tooth out of the Viet Com's mouth.

Without a word, Shadow motions unnamed communist number 2 and Dennis to stay behind and keep lookout while he goes in to give that filthy ringleader a dicking.

-

Our hero soon finds, however, one of the badasses, Beatrice Lily, blocking the entrance to the pool. She's wearing badass sunglasses, which make her look more badass, and also a pair of cat ears leftover from last Halloween.

With a simple stop hand motion, Beatrice flatly states, "sorry, kid. The _**POOL'S CLOSED**_."

"It's called a WHAT BITCH?!" Shadow spits in a rather broken and incoherent mode of speech.

-

"I'm afraid we don't allow you kind in here. You see, black people like you have AIDS, and if you were to enter the pool, you'd endanger everyone else by spreading it."

Shadow angrily responds by hurling his massive cock in Beatrice's direction, but she dodges with ease.

-

Frustrated, Shadow suddenly decides to use his secret weapon.

In a flash, Shadow's face is replaced with a blackface rendition of Cell's, with psychotic bug-eyes and a red-lipped gaping maw capable of swallowing an entire fucking train whole.

"**IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!!!!"** he screams in an unrealistically deep voice that is not his own.

-

The badass Beatrice, knowing the one weakness of Shoop Da Whoop, hurls a deluxe taco, obtained from an unknown location, into Shadow's blackface gaping trap. (Tacos are full of fail)

"WHAT?!" our hero gasps in shock.

"**ROYAL RAINBOW!!" **he shouts unintentionally as he spurts out, instead of the much-needed and all-powerful lazer, a really gay-looking rainbow which does virtually nothing.

-

Then, for no reason, he becomes really obese and has a stupefied expression on his nigra face.

"OOPS I SWALLOWED MAH LAZER"

"Get him outta my sight, boys," Beatrice commands badassily, her arms crossed.

Two 7-foot-tall chocolate FBI agents materialize out of nowhere, both donning sunglasses and huge afros, and begin dragging poor Shadow away.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, DISGUSTING HUMAN!" our hero wails.

-

Deciding now was the time to act, the two surviving Viet Coms pull out their rifles and open fire on the two afro niggas.

Shadow is released from the forceful removal by his captors when both collapse silently on the pavement after being shot.

"Grr! Fucking communist fools!" Beatrice growls in rage like a maniacal villain who's just lost to a bunch of meddling kids.

-

Since she'd accidentally left her gun at home, Beatrice is forced to flee back to the AIDS organization's evil volcano la- ahem, legitimate businessmen's meeting club. Unlike the other evil minions of the ringleader, Beatrice is extremely badass, and doesn't spread AIDS, instead making sure any potential enemies stay out of the way, or something like that. I don't know.

Jesus here does know, but he won't tell me! Come on, Jesus! Stop being so mean to me! I guess I'm just unworthy.

-

-

So now our hero finally manages to make it to the enemy, dick still in hand, of course. He sometimes gives himself blowjobs when he gets bored.

Yeah, it's that big, wiggers. Weeaboo girls, scrub the cum from your panties. It's still going to be one fuck of a wild ride.

-

The evil ringleader stops ejaculating AIDS all over the place when he sees Shadow enter the pool area, his cock locked and loaded.

"Oh shit, you've found me," he gasps, fumbling with his zipper, "you must've gotten rid of my nigra bodyguards and Beatrice if you made it here."

-

"That's right, and your evil plot stops right here and now, honky-boy!" Shadow proclaims gallantly, "when my cock of justice is through with whooping you, your AIDS campaign will come to an end, and you'll either be dead, or crying like the little bitch you are..."

"...Sir Cornwallace McThathle III!"

-

"You're supposed to talk more like you're LOL DARK," cornwallace says in his East-Texas drawl amidst his frustrated cringe, "right here you just sound like a gay fag who wants to fuck Ricky Martin."

"You don't even sound like a nigger."

"That's not my fault, it's that of the retard who's writing this with the help of Jesus!" Shadow spits.

-

"Hahahahahahahaha. And that same person is also my weapon to be used against you!" cornwallace laughs evilly, "you're going to be left with blue balls when Minister and I are done with you."

With those words, The Archaic Minister suddenly arrives with Dr. Dump by the red corvette at the pool area, at the wheel. He crashes the worn old vehicle into a wall, showering both him and Dump with bricks and rubble, because Minister can't drive for shit. At all.

-

"WHA'D YOU DOOOOO?!" Dump shouts angrily as he proceeds to brush cement and brick dust off his bling to keep it as shiny as possible.

"WELL, I TOLD YOU WHIYT JEWZ CAN'T DRIVE 4 SHIT NEITHER!"

"Well, you _made_ me drive!" Minister argues. Dump simply shoves him out of the car, and he stumbles over in the direction of the _**CLOSED POOL**_, tripping on his "wizard robes".

Apparently, he also has this really gay tall hat that makes him look like some kind of oriental ching-chong chink ambassador, even though he's neither Asian nor weeaboo.

-

Oh, God, there it is. Rumor confirmed.

"Get the fuck over here, Minister!" cornwallace shouts as Shadow advances on him, ready to grab him by the dick as would an angry elephant and slam him against a palm tree.

There were no palm trees.

-

Minister arrives just in time, and shoots Shadow's cock with a handgun he was carrying.

"You have a gun? Very clever, Minister. Very clever," cornwallace says.

Our poor hero, how he pains! Blood and unreleased cum spatter everywhere, including on the even more unfortunate cornwallace's face/ HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS/ cornwallace is the villain, and he totally deserves that! Poor Shadow! Fuck McFranken!

"Wait, how long have I had a gun? I _don't _have a gun," Minister realizes, "fuck, whatever. Something to stop the 'hero' short, right? It works."

"Without your dong, you can't stop me or my AIDS now," cornwallace grins, "so I'll now just proceed to rip out your tongue with my teeth, an awesomely badass technique Beatrice taught me the other day."

-

-

Before he can get his filthy mouth on Shadow's dick – scratch that, with the whole sucking cocks thing again – before he can get his filthy mouth on Shadow's... tongue, Maverick87 suddenly falls from the sky and lands directly on top of The Archaic Minister, instantly killing him and leaving his body a pancake of bleeding entrails. Maverick's fall, of course, is broken by this unexpected squashing.

How and why did Maverick suddenly appear, you ask? Fuck you for asking! Description is for _**fags**_. Reason is for _**fags**_. He was skydiving. There. Now I'm a fag. Great/ HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS/

-

"Oh no!" cornwallace gasps dramatically, "it's Maverick! Alright, what the fuck are you doing falling from the sky?"

"I was skydiving," Maverick replies, plainly.

HAHAHA I DON'T SUCK COCKS WAIT WHAT IF I DO WHATEVER I JUST SUCK [COCKS] LOL WUT

"Has our bastard manchild finished chapter 2 of Creak yet?" Maverick proceeds to ask out of the blue.

"You mean Maverick Wallace?" cornwallace replies, "nah, it seemed like he'd never, ever finish, so I got tired and just killed him with a baseball bat. Then I ate his skin."

"YOU MURDERER! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Maverick shouted.

"Hahahahaha. I was lying, don't worry. I'm actually keeping him in my closet and beating him regularly until he hurries up and finishes it."

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU ANYWAY!"

"Wait... what?"

"I don't really know, either. I'm supposed to be on Shadow's side, which means I'm opposed to AIDS, and supposed to kill you, the source of all AIDS," Maverick shrugs.

-

"Don't be such a vagina. AIDS is cool," cornwallace says.

"Let's get him, Shadow!" Maverick says gayly.

"Alright, I'm going to kill you for making me say that," he subsequently adds, referring to the retarded no-life author.

In this story, however, Shadow is completely useless without his 72 oz. can. No guns, because guns are for _**fags**_.

Fuck reasons! Jesus here says to all of you to shut the fuck up, you got that so nnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

-

And so it comes to a battle between the two badass authors and their special attacks. Maverick is throwing his beanie babies at the evil ringleader and letting loose a flurry of unrealistically fast punches, because he's a badass, whilst cornwallace is... um... what can Corny do, exactly? Cum? No, more than that. Spit... acid. Yeah. Let's go with that.

Cornwallace is spitting highly powerful acid out of his eyes like a Molly Mormon, all the while enduring a rain of punches and miniature squirrels and skunks, and the like.

-

Even though Maverick is way more badass than Corny, he loses after a glob of acid burns both of his feet off. Somehow. Look, the _best part_ is coming, got it? Shut up.

Shadow, still conscious, although useless due to a lack of serious gun, observes the ridiculous amount of cum and destruction all around, and laments, "oh Jesus, help me!"

Suddenly, the heavens part with a holy light, and behold, none other than the messiah himself swoops down; the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost, 'cause I know you know you love Jesus the most! Kick it!

"You called?" Jesus says. Upon looking into the holiness that is the Son and Father, Shadow's eyes broil like fried eggs and burst from their sockets, not worthy of sharing the very presence of such infinite divinity. After that, his head explodes in a shower of blood and guts, sending fragments of his brain, skull, tongue, and other organs flying in all directions. His soul simply could not bear such an overwhelming level of holiness.

-

As Shadow's headless corpse falls limp onto the AIDS-infected poolside, the only hero who can save the city now is, undoubtedly, Jesus. Now, it wasn't his fault Shadow's head exploded in a Scanners-like fashion. Nothing is ever, ever Jesus' fault. It is always yours, and mankind's, and hedgehogkind's, etc. , for containing an incalculable amount of sin.

-

Jesus immediately recognizes the sheer amount of sin within cornwallace, and sets out to correct it posthaste, aka, send him to hell. With no return ticket. And no chance for refund. Because there's no coming back from hell, ever. Because hell is a one-way road.

"Oh shit, I'm fucked..." Corny curses as Jesus goes Super-Saiyan 911 and--

-

[The following text has been removed for use of particularly strong dialogue and inhumanity. We assure you, it was cornwallace who made all the racist comments, and killed several birds inhumanely before taking pictures of them and posting them on DeviantART, _**not **_Jesus. Jesus simply vanquished him. Also, Jesus did not say anything racist.]

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Coming soon in Fall 2011! _Shadow The Hedgehog 2_: _AIDS Vanquisher_! Rated E, **DAMMIT**! (shoots you)

©2008 Lester Pipeline/The Archaic Minister/Asslogger/Shithead

**-**

**Inspired and referenced partly by such works as Jesus Drives, Revelations, and Balls Off.**

**-**

**The production of this story has been brought to you by Ronald McDonald's Children's Charities. Eat a cheeseburger, save a retard.**

**-**

**Balls off**

**HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**


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